A Vulnerability Post On My Own PTSD

I’ve been crying as I write this; I’ve been quite open about that fact Companies House and HMRC are a serious trigger point for me. Like - REAL trigger.

A few years ago, I was duped by someone with my accounts. They handled parts of my company's admin, and when they disappeared, they took all of my numbers along with them, including (but not limited to) the one thing I actually needed to prove who I was to HMRC. With no way to pass their verification, there was no way to speak to them about my own company. Great.

On one of my phone calls to them, which I remember vividly - it was like speaking to a brick wall and I was getting nowhere, like a one time passcode that keeps saying it’s invalid or looping right back to the beginning. My anxiety attack was so bad that thankfully they at least did one good thing - they called the paramedics out to me. I had to go through the trauma with these paramedics. Explain it all over again. I felt defenceless, like I was at wrong. But genuinely, they were so kind and caring, they understood the issues, and really helped to bring me back to present, out of the fear, out of the anxiety, out of my out of body experience if you like. They even shared their own first-hand experiences of HMRC which made it feel more normal… More human.

But you see, this is what HMRC and Companies House meant to me for a long time. It was never about admin, it was a whole body memory.

After some extra hurdles, we eventually came through to the other side… But then some extra hurdles came along (yay!), the company became dormant, and then last year I did my accounts myself for the first time - but I still needed an accountant for guidance, because I couldn't get the right numbers into the correct fields, WebFiling just would-not-accept it. I was pulling my hair out! But, I was putting on my big girl pants, taking ownership, learning the process, healing a part of me… I was not handing it over to someone else who could take advantage of any vulnerability, that would have been a risky decision!

And then 2-weeks ago, the email came to let me know: My accounts were due.

I let it sit in my inbox, knowing I needed the right headspace before I could begin, and with August being very course heavy and a holiday, I also knew I needed the right downtime before I could get into it.

Today, I did it, and it took me 10 minutes. Submitted. Done. All by myself.

It wasn’t hard, but I’ve honoured this whole-body-memory for the last year, working to release what’s stored through the likes of yin-yoga, aromatherapy, my own Reclaim Your Radiance programme, and talking about it with other Women In Wellness! And I can’t forget that as a part of this process, I’m also healing the betrayal.

So you see, this is what healing can truly look like, it's seldom grand moments. It's the journey from what was a paramedic-level anxiety attack to becoming a 10-minute task on a Tuesday afternoon, completed alone and relatively calmly (I was nervous, for sure, but I knew I could do it).

If this resonates with any version of your own experiences, or something you may be putting off; an email, a call, an appointment - because of the impact is used to have on you, I want you to know and to understand that the fact that it's still difficult today, doesn't mean it always will be like that.

This capacity has been building over these last few years, it’s come in phases, slowly but surely.

As I always say; Rome wasn’t built in a day!